


Just another night

by orphan_account



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Chan needs to rest, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Kinda, M/M, Platonic Cuddling, Sad, Sleep Deprivation, past trauma, platonic BangHan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-12
Updated: 2018-11-12
Packaged: 2019-08-22 15:41:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,508
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16600811
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: He can put more, he can push more, he won't break. He knows. He feels good as it is, alone, hazy, fearless. Chan loves the state he's in, he would never lie.That is why he doesn't understand the tears.





	Just another night

**Author's Note:**

> Just a short drabble about Chan slowly loosing it and Han not asking any question

There's just something calming about being awake at an hour that other people usually already travel through their dreamlands. As hours go, little things vanish, they become insignificant, it starts with little things like the anxiety of tomorrow, the fown plastered upon his face, the tickling of the clock. It gets replaced by harmless things like his crawling for sweets, he has a basket full of candies and chocolate by his foot, the little shake in his fingers, the peaceful tune that plays inside his brain. Then fog comes, it pushes stress out of him, the fear of failing down, of screwing up on stage, the fear of being alone, it pushes it all out. His mind becomes playful, the lyrics he wrote seems to finally fit into his beats. New songs are born, he is happy with how smoothly everything goes. It deepens. He is alone in the world, he's free. His heart beats fast, it pumps all the blood it can manage to keep him awake, and he desires this high. He's not insecure anymore, his foggy eyes see the same things he hates about himself but they look normal, his focus is on the good. Lips are chapped, shrunked by the fact that he hadn't drink water in 10 hours, his eyes are swollen, red and purple rings on display since he took off his makeup, his nose is placed wide in the middle, under the soft light he doesn't mind how it looks. It's a normal face, not the perfect one but it looks alive and Chan is okay with himself. His fingers shake, his breathing sounds the same as when he is asleep, his body is willing to shut down at any given chance but he won't take it. Even when the sun rises, the night is too young, he doesn't want to hop off of this cloud yet. He's taking deep inhales and way too short exhales, the sizzle of his nostrils reminds him of a flute, maybe he should go buy some medicine after. After _what?_ He sleep? That won't happen so soon. After the others wake up, yeah. That's his checkpoint now.

His shadow is faster than him, its already picking up his pen when Chan only reached. He could race with it, see who can do 100 push-ups faster and who can stand the longest. He did it before, weird, maybe, but it kept him awake. Time goes by too slow, byt sometimes he black out, just sitting there and staring at his hands and when he snaps out of it hour goes by, mind going back to the slow pace. His eyes do drop by themselves from time to time and he does realize that he crawles the forgiving darkness, a warm blanket around his shaking body and a soft pillow he could melt into, but who's gonna finish this if not him? he's the leader, he has to bring them to the finish line, he won't stumble over something so irrelevant as this. He can put more, he can push more, he won't break. He knows. He feels good as it is, alone, hazy, fearless. Chan loves the state he's in, he would never lie.

 

 

That is why he doesn't understand the tears.

 

 

They roll like last rain on a Spring day. Carefully, to not mess up his image, timidly, more pilling up in his corners than actually spilling. It's that moment before you start sobbing, he knew that feeling, numerous times did he find himself on the floor on all four sobbing out tears with the force of person vomiting, numerous times was his throat too sore to sing well live. But tonight they don't make him break. They are here, sure, he has no idea why - or rather couldn't bother choosing a reason tonight, knowing he has too many. Maybe it's mix of everything, not sadness, but acknowledge of it slowly pilling up. He knows the hole inside him is deep, he had plenty of time before he breaks again, he's in his happy state now.

The tears confuse him, but he doesn't mind them, stone he didn't know he was carrying lifts from his back. He needs darkness to shine. This was a melancholic middle.

 

 

 

 

His legs are light, every step is taken with care and he barely makes any noise as he walks through the hallway. He stops at the door, his mind pick up the little crack next to the handle as he grips it, pushing at the door to make as little noise as possible.

 

Soft snores fills the dark room, deep sleep is in the air and it almost made him drop dead right there at the doorstep, he shakes his head, _not yet_.

 

Hyujin is a heavy sleeper, he won't notice him as Chan climbs up the ladder, but Jeongin could, and so Chan holds his breath with every slow step.

 

He lays there, the snores were coming from him, less nasaly than Seungmin's but heavier. His hair has spread on the pillow, making a silky halo around his head. Chan sat by his feet on his knees, he tried to catch his breath back after holding it. His lungs were tired, weighting down as if they were full of rocks. He blinks the unconsciousness out of his eyes, _not yet, soon._

 

Chan slowly crawled to lay in the small space between the railing and Han. The younger may have a petite figure but he spreads on the bed so much he himself barely has space, not to mention Chan.

But he figures, he will just lay on his side, looking at the younger.

 

 

Han feels the mattress shift, under his sleepy haze he moves to make more space, arms reaching on their own and pulling the cold body into his. He feels shaky breath above his neck, the arms wrapped around him tremble as they cling on him as if they were going to lose him, he's half awake, quite confused, he imagined those hands were only in his sleep.

 

Stepping out of his dreamland was hard, he got lost numerous times on his way and felt back asleep. Now he blinked his heavy eyes at the face laying next to him, familiar but too close and too dark to define. Sobs are muffed by either the bedsheet or hand, or both since Han was too spaced out to make out sounds. He sees the dew around the man's eyes, the underbags deep lilac, he knew only one person with that color.

 

"Chan-hyung?" he calls softly, a small crack in his voice as he was still tied to his sleep.

 

The older opened his eyes, they looks tired, so, so tired and Han's heart sinks, they're also desperate, the tremble of Chan's breaths and stone in his face tells him not to ask.

 

He doesn't. He doesn't need to, he knows it.

 

Han brings Chan closer, tangling his legs with his and dragging the quilt over both of them, he heard Chan shiver at the warmth of it, Han's body working on it through the night.

 

Chan nuzzles his nose into Han's neck and breathes out the last sob. They younger shivers at how cold his breath is, but he never pulls away. He clings on Chan tighter, protecting him from the cold, from the night, tucking him under his chin and caressing unknown patterns on his back. It was early, for most at least, but for them it was only about hour or so before they have to wake up and Hyunjin's annoying alarm will scream across the dorm. He knows he has to make Chan fall asleep as soon as he can, he wants to give him at least that one short hour.

 

The older feels heavy on him, partly crushing his left arm but he doesn't mind, he doesn't like sleeping alone either. Chan's back stopped shaking, it raises up and down at steady pace, the heavy sighs tickling on his neck and he has to force a whimper back at how cold they still are. Chan is almost invisible from his place, he shifted down to cling onto Han waist, leaving the younger with no other choice but to hug him by his neck. The quilt is covering his whole body and face, ending at Han's shoulders. Only his blonde curls peak under his chin.

 

 

It gets louder, cars pass under their window and he hears alarms from other trainees waking them up, but his hyung's breathing is finally calm, and he starts to feel warm.

 

Jisung runs his fingers through Chan's curls, gently pulling them apart. He places one small peck onto them, smelling the coconut conditioner.

 

He settles back on his pillow, bringing the quilt higher and Chan disappears, only the dead weight on his body reassures him he's there.

 

He feels his mind drifting off, his eyelids are too heavy. The sleeps crawls on him faster that he can notice, and soon enough he falls again, into the dreamland, following Chan.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Am I lowkey projecting my feeling onto Chan? HAhahaHa never


End file.
